He says that many couples spend considerable time and money planning their wedding day. He says that couples should spend you much more time planning their marriage than the wedding day. After all the Wedding is for a few hours but the Marriage if for a life time Chapman says there are two stages in Romantic love.
The first stage and the easy stage he says is when we are in love, we freely do things for each other without thought of cost or sacrifice.
The second stage, Chapman says, is much more planned than stage 1. He says there are 5 love languages that must be used extensively.
A. Words of affirmation
B. Acts of service
C. Receiving gifts,
D. Quality time
E. Physical touch.
A. Affirmation. The husband would affirm the wife by saying “ I really appreciate you working so hard in the kitchen and preparing a lovely meal for us.” The wife would say : “Thank you so much for washing the dishes after the meal and throwing the Garbage in the Bin outside.” These and similar complimentary statements acknowledge the deep relationships you share.
B. Service. The wife would say Thanks for looking after the baby and giving him a bath and putting him to sleep while I was in the kitchen. The Husband would say You are so sweet – you ironed my clothes and kept them ready for me to wear when I go to work.
C. Receiving Gifts. Wives love an occasional gift – may be a new dress or nice hand bag or just a Bunch of flowers especially on Birthdays and wedding anniversaries. Gifts communicate Love and are garlands of gratitude.
D. Quality time: If husband loves a football or cricket match and is engrossed in that all the time that would not be sharing quality time. Similarly if the wife is constantly on the mobile phone, chatting nineteen to a dozen that’ not spending quality time. Quality time is when the couples free themselves of their normal chores/past-times and spend time talking and listening to each other. How was the day in the office/or with the growing baby.? Talking about each others’ interests, church activities, money matters etc. and agreeing to a line of action.
E. Physical touch: Loving touch – after understanding how the day has been for the other –physical touch would work wonders for restoring trust and confidence. Chapman touches on a matter that is important to know before marriage. Usually they say that the daughter is like Mother OR “like Father like son”. In many many situations your likely future wife will be like her Mother. Have you watched your future Mother-in-law in action?. Is she the loving caring helpful type or short tempered and extremely strict. OR Is she obese? OR Have you observed your future husbands Father. Is he the alcoholic or abusive type. Does he fly off the tangent at the least excuse. In both the situations, you must examine whether your future Partner will carry similar traits in married life. Are you prepared for that? In yet another situation Chapman focusses on the question of Compromise. If each has different plans. Is one prepared to compromise or is it “My way or highway.” If let us say it is a question of going on a holiday – the wife wants to see her mother as she is unwell, but the husband insists on going abroad. Who should win? Can the wife agree to a shorter period with the Mother and the husband agree to a shorter holiday abroad. If compromise is reached fair enough, if not there is strife and discord. On the spiritual front –Will you discuss with your hubby to be, about spiritual values, service in and out of church, having and bringing up children in the faith and spending time with children on matters of faith and teaching them the Bible. It is important to know whether your Partner is just a Sunday going Catholic and has no further interests in his own spiritual life or he really loves his Faith and is very keen to make it grow further , after marriage. We cannot be Catholics in name –we must be strong in our faith and must as a family grow in faith. If you see that that is not going to happen, you now have a choice before marriage.
Before marriage is there going to be discussions on various important issues that make for a healthy marriage?
OR Is being pretty or wealthy enough? How does one intend to use Finances? Is there going to be a monthly Budget?
Or Is money going to be spent on partying/expensive clothing/alcohol etc?
Are there plans for Savings/Children’ education/Health/Insurance etc. What about children?
Some couples do not want children at all ? But at the nuptial altar we commit to having children Are we breaking our commitment we made at the altar? When children come, will we spend quality time with them explaining about God’ love and the need to pray and keep the Commandments?
OR will the Maid be looking after them and the couple spending time with their own activities?
Chapman advises couples to spend the dating period to get to know each other very well and asking questions and listening .He says the YES to marry should come only after each is assured what to expect.
For further information buy the book OR go to this website http://www.startmarriageright.com/ You can even have some of your questions answered here or if you prefer ask our Director Fr. Joseph and he will be happy to help you.